In my free time today I mused about a new friend I’ve made who I find thoughtful, intriguing, and liking communication. I do muse occasionally in writing. She mentioned the need to find more patience to move to a conclusion a project that has her full attention lately.
Patience is something we often want more of. But the source, the belief beneath that patience, or the IMpatience, is worth a look. Patience may be the classic example of answering the coaching question about a strong emotion, “who’s really in charge here?” Only procrastination is more common a feeling that keeps us stuck in behavior and beliefs that do us no good.
I muse… My patience is a feeling and like most feelings I have a belief behind it, or a set of beliefs. Patience as an example. The question is, like in yoga, is it a movement or a holding of a position? It is both. It’s an adjustment to a circumstance, something not going as I wish, and holding my intention to keep the intended result the same. The challenge is my doing both at the same time. Patience may be asking me to reveal my beliefs or feelings in ways that are uncomfortable to share . Or for me to be brave enough to declare myself when this was not my intention. Hah. This can make me feel vulnerable.
I define vulnerable as open to judgment where judgment is a hard edge on the beliefs and feelings I have toward myself or others. What is my belief really? the deep underlying belief that seems you decide things for us every day. Where does it comes from? Has it outlived its usefulness? Is what it once protected still in need of protection?
I made a new friend recently. She seems like someone who is already important in my life. So I spent sometime musing about what a real friendship or relationship is about for me.
I think of a real friendship as similar to a yoga practice – that is, it both strengthens and stretches me. it is as much the movement between the asanas as the asana (position) itself. both the transitions and the ‘holding’ of the asana uses breathe and awareness of what is going on and what subtle adjustments I can make, in movement or holding.
Since all this reminds me of what therapy teaches people, that is, to know and relearn, as necessary, about themselves since judgements that form neuroses by their nature are hard. Judgments we make every day are be good and necessary in many ways. But when one has cut me before I fear it cutting me again. However it is the same edge I use to protect my friendships and relationships. Its softer name is “discernment,” or better “mindfulness.” This is an important part of what my coaching offers. It can turn the beliefs that detract or cause poor choices into the belief that support your positive choices. It can ‘flip’ your understanding of a disruptive feeling into its opposite, al be looking at its core or maybe putting a new frame of meaning around it, thought of as a picture. Ask me.
The yoga of relationship is the practice of respecting two sets of beliefs/feelings/intelligence at the same time. Every soul has three brains as the intelligence of these three, gut, heart and mind. The sameness and the uniqueness of each is its beauty. It can be celebrated, even indulged a bit. Or, see relationship as a Practice. That means it is non-competitive and non-judgmental. Another image of the Relationship is as a Third party, a separate entity. The first two parties, The I and Thou, remain separate, distinct, while the third is seen as a pair’s interdependence, how we practice holding the other’s perspective, take turns leading, by plan or intuition. It is the ‘We’ between us. The separate practice of the two nurtures the third. Ideally this expresses it self in all kinds of affection and attention, or even knowing without acknowledging. The peace and the pleasures in the Together can be exquisite then. A Jungian might say it as the Yin Yang Intertwining of our masculine feminine nature&nurture beings.
Friendship or romantic merger as essential to out human natures is highly desirable because then mind, body and soul are supported, made safe, become creative, hold all the soupy passions of life , moves the love I have for myself into the love I have for my partner, expresses me to her in words and deeds, is perceptive, thoughtful and intentional. I rely on an openness to the divine, the greater wisdom available to me, when consciousness, the ability to hold step into another’s perspective. I choose to access it and be inspired or guided by it.
Ideally I am rooted, connected, centered and open-minded. This seems to me to be the purpose for relationship, the greater good of: safety, support, real understanding, adaptability to circumstances (eg., patience), deep self love shared in verisimilitude, compassion and empathy (giving what I most desire), creating home as well as adventure, being uniquely smart/perceptive, and tapping into the divine as a not-to-be-overlooked trusted resource. [clue: these are each related energies of the seven chakras in our bodies.] Perhaps especially the ‘high’virtues of faith, hope, and forgiveness become the stays of a long term relationship in this practice. In yoga I call these the outcomes of balance, restorative energy, and ease of being.
Like the teamwork in sailing a boat, a relationship is always a practice because no one sea nor wind is ever the same. I.e., I am not arrived but evolving. We are never static. As with patience, so with its opposite. As with judgment, so with its opposite. What they most want to give [completion & security] is what they most want to have. Nothing wrong with that.
But one man’s musing is another’s blathering,
Sometimes a writer just writes..
While the plumbing still needs plumbin……
AND SOMETIMES PATIENCE CAN USE A COACH! CONTACT ME.